The world is vast and I am small

  Shanzi and I went with Bruce, her Dad, last night to a comedy club. We met up with a few friends and laid aside the grief of the world for a few pleasant hours. I cannot express how much we all needed that. Bruce has been overwhelmed with his work as this has been an unusually cruel winter storm season here on the Pacific (Bruce is a real estate insurance adjuster), and Shanzi and I are both overwhelmed with everything laid before us from the tweaked out jack-ass that ransacked our car to death of Spanky (Spanky was Shanzi’s 17 year old, deaf cat)Plus the financial ripples from November are still being felt. Tonight was the first time laughter has come easy for a long time.

When I first arrived here in Washington I knew a struggle lay ahead in my efforts to pull my life back from the edge of mad darkness. I was correct in that assumption but I failed to see just how long a struggle it would be. Difficult as these things have proven to be they have not been insurmountable. I must remember that and not let frustration cloud my judgment. Easier said than done though, I have been in the most ruthless depression over the last five months. It is the worst I can remember since the time of my Mothers death and the divorce that tore me away from my son. It does not however compare to that awful season damn near killed me. I am fortunate to be among the living after that self-destructive cycle, I should remember that more often.

I have allowed the feelings of defeat and fear to blind me to good thing that occur. When Shanzi told me we were expecting I was happy in a way I have not been for a long time. I guess one could say it put things into perspective. We have a very long journey ahead of and all troubles eventually pass. I have a meeting later this morning with some folks with “The Stranger”, a weekly paper out of Seattle, about a new job. We are getting ready to move anyway and quite honestly I would rather that move be to Seattle than across Westport. Even if that opportunity doesn’t work out eventually others will. In any case I should be able to return to the Islander by March when the tourist return. I don’t know when I’ll know anything my new doctor; all I can do now is be patient.