Death

Death is the price we pay for life. Oh, by the way, I did see it much cheaper at Costco last weekend, so you might want to shop around.

We have a lot of cute euphemisms for death: "croaked," "kicked the bucket,"
"bought the farm," "took a dirt nap," "met your maker," "cashed in your chips,"
"Met your final destination." And many others.

There is a school of thought, usually promulgated by the crystal-jewelry-wearing,
multiple-cat owning, ancient-Volvo-with-"Practice Random Kindness And Senseless
Acts Of Beauty"-bumpersticker driving segment of our population, that says we
as a society need to remove the stigma from death and regard it as just another
part of life. My father in law runs with these rouges and let me tell you, their new –age doctrine is just as annoying as any born again Christians. These mantra chanting, flying saucer spotting simpletons ask, "Why do we insist on portraying death as cruel?" Well, it's difficult to answer that question, but if I had to hazard a guess, I would say, because it fucking kills us.

Other cultures, perhaps those with less material wealth but a far richer
spiritual heritage, embrace and celebrate death. But then, what do they have to
live for in the first place? Of course you're going to have a big bash for Grandpa when he dies, he doesn't have to eat grubs and dung off a stick anymore.

Another thing I don't get is when a society decides they need to keep the
remains of a beloved leader on display. That's great as long as they still
admire you, but look what happened to Vladimir Lenin. Now they've got him
standing up outside a Moscow restaurant, where parking valets pin car keys to
his face.

It's ironic that in our culture, everyone's biggest complaint is never having
enough time, yet nothing terrifies us more than the idea of eternity. In
America, we want to live forever, and a wide array of advanced cosmetic
surgeries now guarantees that at least certain parts of us will. In fact, an
increasing number of deceased bodies are now neither buried nor cremated, but
returned for a deposit. Experts say that over the past 20 years, there's been a
72-percent increase in the number of eulogies that end in the phrase "Nice
Rack." I personally don’t believe in an afterlife which is a good thing, I am sure I would get bored after the first thousand years or so.

Everyone who survives a near-death experience reports the same phenomenon, that
being a bright light. You know what that light is? It's the doctor, trying to
detect any brain function by shining a flashlight into your pupils.

Now, the second worst way to die has to be in an airplane crash. The worst way,
of course, is choking to death on an apricot pit after waving off the only guy
offering you the Heimlich because he was too good-looking, and you were afraid
he'd stir something in you that's best left dormant.

Some people feel the need to have very bizarre funerals, trying to be the life
of the party even when they're dead by insisting that everyone wear a Hawaiian
shirt. These are the same assholes who get married on roller coasters. You
know, it's only a matter of time before some octogenarian prankster rigs his
body to pop up out of the casket like Big Mouth Billy Bass and sing, "Don't
Worry -- Be Happy".

And the cost of dying is unbelievable. Because just like in life, in death we
can't resist having the latest and best of everything. I mean, a casket with
Internet hook-up? Give me a break. When I go, stuff my ass full of candy and
toys and let some little Mexican kid whack me with a bat. I don't give a shit;
I'm dead.

At my funeral, I want to have a TV screen showing the end of "The Beverly
Hillbillies," where they're all waving goodbye, but they have my face digitally
superimposed over Granny's.

It is said energy can't be created or destroyed. I agree with that. I
believe there is a spark inside each and every one of us that exist forever or at least until proton decay has it’s way and that’s close enough.

I urge you to view your inevitable demise not with grief or fear but with
acceptance and perhaps even hope. Your death is an end to sadness and pain.
Your death is a passage to another form of being (Granted one where self awareness of your former self is moot). Your death is a moment of unification with the sacredness of eternity. My death, on the other hand? Greatest fucking tragedy in the history of mankind.