"You're so vain"

It's all Vainity.

When I first started to "blog" some time ago my most basic reason for doing so was to have a record of my thoughts and perspectives attached to an exact date. I, at first, didn't want to have anyone read it, it was for me. Vainity.

As I explored this form of on line, public journaling my entries became more sophisticated and my motives changed. It was a way to exspess myself in a way that I was unable to do so in person to person relationships. It became a way of saying "Hey, listen to me!". Vainity.

I knew only a few people would ever actually look at it and even fewer of those who did woulds actually read it. Those I thought would examine my blog entries with a more than casual eye were either close to me or people whom I share a creative writting realtionship with. notice the use of the word my, Vainity.

It occured to me as well about this time I could use this forum to tell certain people things I couldn't otherwise express to them. It would be a perfect way to tell those I have sour feelings for to go fuck themselves. People who other wise would not listen. If I wrote about them they would read and be forced to listen to my perspective. If you include someones name in a essay, journal entry, cartoon or whatever they almost certainly will read it because people are VAIN.

Time moves on.

Tic Toc, Tic Toc.

I found myself writing more sophisticated entries into my various online avenues of self-expression . Ones that did not center completely on me. I was particularly proud of these later ones as I felt that they showed how I was growing as a writer. I was vain in an all new way.

I decided I was proud enough, or at least longed so badly to have my say in a world I felt cheated by, to send out links to friends and family hopeing to have the people who's opinion mattered most to me reveiw the content of my "rawest" work. I knew not everyone would bother but I did expect some response, positive or negative, something. Vainity.

Nothing at all happened. Turns out nobody cares about the rantings of one vain little man. I know I don't, should it surprise me thatothers don't as well?

I knew that was a possiability though what really surprised me and made realize what vain, petty, selfindulgent and arrogant things like this blog are (and a million others like it) was my fiancees reaction and responses to my creations. "You never write about me ." Then in single most appropriate response I have seen to date, she went and created her own blog.

I don't really think that says everthing about the issue nor does it lay out all my mixed feelings on the topic but as I don't expect this to be read does it really matter? If this is truely what I say it is, to myself and others, why should I care? Isn't this supposed to be a soort of diary? Open to anyone who cares to read it but not created specificly as a passive-aggresive battle feild?

Maybe I am just extra crabby because I have given up smoking as of this morning and not because I wanted to. I hear that makes you a little testy. I do not know but at least if I accept the above assertations I am free of the bother of running shit through spellcheck.