The Religious and the Right

Radical religious right leaders scare me in the same way guns do. I'm not talking about good simple religious folk here. I empathize with you people. I know you're frightened. It looks like the bad guys are winning. And I know you want to do the good Christian thing
and save some of the bad guys, but you're probably preaching to the unconvertible. This is a long trail ride, and occasionally a satanic heifer or two is gonna head over the ridge and go off on their own.
Let them go. Quit trying to set God up on blind dates with people he has nothing in common with. Well, anyway, you're good people and I got no quarrel with you, Atticus.
I'm talking about the overzealous ones. The ones with that bloodless, glazed-over
"Prophets of the Caribbean" look. You know, the ones who look like the guys who
kept Howard Hughes alive those last three years. Let's run down our roster of
modern-day Pharisees:

Jerry Falwell, with his big hillbilly grin concealing his hatred for you and
the fun you can have with your nasty little genitals.

Then we've got Pat Robertson, the Dixie charlatan who contends he held counsel
with God, saw Jesus, and has it on good authority from the Holy Ghost that
Iraq had an arsenal of nuke-you-ler weapons aimed at the United States.

These modern-day Torquemadas can't wait to seize the reins and begin
slaughtering the nonbelievers. And if you don't think they'll do it--if you
don't think you'll be on the short list for a public roasting a la Joan of Arc,
well, you better stop dancing around the pagan Maypole and think again,
Caligula.

Now I am sure to many of those in the Radical Right, I probably appear to be a
bitter, cranky pragmatist with the mouth of a stevedore, and the soul of a
heretic. Good, they got something right.

I'm sorry, you just don't go shooting doctors. If a judgment's to be made, God
gets to make it. Not you. Him. You are Barney Fife. Keep your bullet in your
shirt pocket.

If there is a God and If abortion is wrong, and I believe in many cases
it is, somewhere down the line God's going let you know about it. From what I gather in reading the Old Testament, God paybacks are an eternal bitch.
Somebody else's abortion is none of your business. And listen, if you really believe that your God is telling you to kill an abortionist in his name, then you've got to crush some tinfoil on your antenna, pal, because you're getting some heavy interference.

And you know, while I'm at it, I don't care what arcane passage you pull out of
the Old Testament and run through your Jeremiah-begat-Jedediah Decoder Ring,
one of the definitive tenets of Christianity is tolerance. Trust me, there's no
version of the Bible that says Love thy neighbor unless he's a Peter Allen fan.
Any supposedly Christian doctrine must have at the core a belief in the concept
of unqualified love for your fellow man. Unless of course he proves himself to
be a total asshole. Then you can ditch him. Sure, God understands that, who do
you think booked Satan's flight? What he can't understand is turning against
someone because you don't happen to agree with their sexual preference. Forget
your linear, biblical interpretation that tells you to ostracize gays, and
follow your heart. It's like when your driving test instructor would tell you
to run the stop sign. And you would, and then he'd flunk you. And you'd say,
"But you told me to." And he'd say, "Sorry, but you never run a stop sign." And
you never carpet bomb a group of people with hate because they're different
from you. Case closed, Tail-gunner Joe.

And tolerance should extend to ideas as well. A schoolbook cannot corrupt your
child, especially one whose main characters are a Scarecrow, a Tin Man, and a
Cowardly Lion. And if you truly think your kid's character depends on prayer,
then damn it, pray with your kid--at home! Stop fobbing off on the public
school system your responsibilities as a parent. The schools are there to
teach your kids to read, write, and add--skills they will need if they are
going to apply for and wisely invest their unemployment checks one day.

And if you're sold on prayer as a diving board into the day, get up a few
minutes early, forgo the trip to the 7-Eleven for a mini keg of Colombian
blend, sit down with your kids you profess to love so much, and lead them in
prayer.

Look, I realize this is America and everybody has the right to organize. The
Democratic Party should try it sometime. But you know something, the members of
the Radical Religious Right have to get it through their skulls: Separation of
Church and State. Separate. Not together. Apart. Like Burt and Loni. One here
and one there. The founding fathers set it up like hat because back home in
merry old England they witnessed scenes of theocratic horror that would have
made even Quentin Tarantino puke.

I can only hope the Radical Right's grab for political power will eventually
prove to be their Holy Waterloo.

I know we don't like to vote--marking your ballot nowadays is like choosing
between the 3 A.M. showing on Beastmaster on Showtime and the 3 A.M. showing of
Beastmaster 2 on Cinemax.

But the less we involve ourselves in the political process, the more special
interest groups and fanatics move in.

So vote, and remember this when you're alone in the booth with just you and
your lever. The Radical Right believes the word "Right" does not simply denote
their placement on the political spectrum, but also their sanctimoniously smug
assertion that "right" is exactly what they are on any and all issues.
AMEN.